The Social Butterfly

I know many families are dealing with pain because unlike years prior, many people just don't have the money to do the things that they would normally do for the holidays. Some can't even afford to buy their children presents for Christmas. It's been a hard year on almost every family that I know...including my own.

In my case, I don't feel lonely exactly...but I feel lonely. How does this make sense? Well, I am surrounded by family and friends, and I have my children. But I was expecting to spend this Christmas as a newly wed. Well, not to go into that story (again), I will just say that the fact that it didn't happen still runs through my mind. I keep wondering if while I am sitting here thinking about him, is he already out doing his thing and moving forward. He's entitled to do so...I was the one to leave him, but after going through feeling as if nothing I did was ever good enough, feeling as if he wasn't even attracted to me any longer by the way he'd treat me and act...hell hardly even being able to be around him without him pushing me aside for something (or someone) else and then blaming me for whatever pissed him off that day...I had nothing left except insecurity in my own skin and doubt that being married would be any better.

I said I wasn't going into the story didn't I...sorry. So anyway, yes to an extent I do feel lonely. I miss having someone to lay next to...someone to hold me or even just tell me that they loved me without it being after an argument of telling me what I need to change about myself.

There are two people very close to me who are having a hard Holiday season as well, and it's because they both lost their mothers in the last two months. Understandably this is tough...and one is more personal for me because one of the women was the grandmother of my two oldest boys...so lately my oldest son has been talking about past Christmas' with his grandma before she died which has been hard on him.

Despite all the negativity that has surrounded a big portion of 2008 for so many people, there is reason to be thankful. For one, the year is almost done...meaning you can let go and move on and Pray for a better 2009. There are still loved ones around who care for you (and me), and everyday that you are breathing means that you have a damn good chance of having better days ahead. That's what I am looking forward to in 2009...better days

Happy Holidays everyone!